Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
