No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
