this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
