Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
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