For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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