Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
