omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I came so hard my ears popped.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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