man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
