so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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