I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
