There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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