im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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