I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Randomize
