girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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