I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
