The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
