Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
