I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he thought i was a dude.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
