I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
