I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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