Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i just made my gag reflex go away.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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