Please, let me fuck your mom
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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