My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
