Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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