It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
