you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
