I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
