His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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