my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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