Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
