It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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