I just threw up on my dentist
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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