Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
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