it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
