I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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