i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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