I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
