What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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