She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I forget how to act sober
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
