What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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