The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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