We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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