hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
