you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize