Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
