I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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