I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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