he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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