we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
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Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
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You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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