apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
