I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
