We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
