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• (612): View more from Minnesota

  My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!

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• (612): View more from Minnesota

  If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.

  (1-612): View more from Minnesota

  Or a large amount of condoms?!?

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• (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.

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• (630): View more from Illinois

  i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.

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• (219): View more from Indiana

  THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.

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• (416): View more from Toronto

  juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.

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• (815): View more from Illinois

  Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.

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• (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...

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• (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.

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• (908): View more from New Jersey

  Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.

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• (248): View more from Michigan

  They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients

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• (270): View more from Kentucky

  Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.

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• (787): View more from Puerto Rico

  I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.

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• (760): View more from California

  I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.

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• (919): View more from North Carolina

  Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?

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