My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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