I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
