dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
